The LBDDiaries.com Blog

Hello goils!  I’m baaaack.  Didja miss me?  I missed you… for awhile.

Today’s post will be quick, just a check-in to say ‘yes, I am alive’ and ‘yes, there were some incredible lessons and changes’.  In later posts, I’ll let you know the really good, the morbidly bad, and the monstrously ugly of unhooking from the internet.

I have to say that although I knew in my head that it would be good to take a month off from blogging and internet stuff, I was really not prepared for the application of it.  At. All.

This was sort of a blind test although I did have some knowledge based on the article by Christie Glascoe Crowder over at http://typeaparent.com/going-off-the-grid-planning-and-surviving-a-digital-sabbatical.html.  I honestly didn’t think it would make that much of a difference.

I was not prepared to discover the addiction I had actually developed, not only to blogging, posting, reading – but also to surfing, shopping, and researching.  And the withdrawal symptoms I had to go through?  Good grief.  And the agony of how much I failed in the first week.  Oh, OK, the first week and a half.  And how disgusted I became with myself.  And while I did not crawl into a corner to rock and whimper through withdrawals, t’was bad enough.

I was also not prepared for all the wonder, awe and blessing I discovered by doing this.  I re-learned the art of taking time to enjoy scents, sounds, textures, views, and heartbeats.  I listened to the wind shush through the trees, loving the icy sound.  I noticed the brilliant colors of a sunrise and soaked them in.  I rubbed the nap on my diva faux mink throw that I use when sitting in the living room, and really enjoyed the softness.  I realized that the sunsets sometimes look like the world is on fire (pix above from my front yard). 

It is like I became more aware of what was around me, not realizing at all that I’d forgotten how.  

Alpha Hubby was gone two weeks of the 4 ½ weeks of January.  I discovered that I missed the quiet sounds of him.  Tinkering in the kitchen before he goes to bed at night.  Breathing softly beside me in the dark.  The humming sound he makes when he reaches out and touches me as he sleeps.  The sqeech sound the floor makes when he slips out of the room in the morning.  I do not sleep well when he is gone.

I missed the scent of him.  Burying my nose in that special place under his ear, in the nape of his neck, to inhale his special fragrance mixed with his cologne.  The fresh air bouquet he brings inside when he comes in from working outside.  The faded cologne scent on his shirts and pillow kept me company.

I do not think I realized how much I hear him without realizing it.  And as much as I love smelling his nape, I took it for granted.  It had all gotten lost in the noise of life.

It isn’t necessarily the internet itself so much as how much it can suck life out of us.  It is like we stop taking time to realize what is going on around us because the internet world becomes more real than the real world.  There are precious things of value disappearing in the busy-ness of our life. 

I discovered a lot of that busy-ness is not necessarily necessary. 

Busy-ness causes you to miss your real life.

Is it just me or did 2011 just zip by?   I’m kinda of feeling like I missed something!  What do you think 2012 will bring to you?  It really is YOUR choice, you know.  It isn’t that we are magicians who can pull miracles out of a hat but we can bring about changes. 

We live self-fulfilling prophecies all the time through the words of our mouth.  Words like, ‘I always get sick this time of year” or “I am never going to get ahead in my life.”  “Money sure goes!  There will never be enough to pay all my bills.”   How about, “My kids are driving me crazy; they’re never going to do right” and “You’ll always be this way.” 

Worse are the “too’s”,  “I am never going to accomplish anything with my life because it’s too or I’m too  (fill in the blank).   Suggestions?  It’s too late.  I’m too old.  I”m too young.  I’m too broke.  It’s too hard.  Even worse?  I CAN’T.  And you would be absolutely 100% right.

I think that every year, no matter how many times we’ve been proven wrong, we actually dream of and believe that we just might be able to do better this time, this new year.  We harbor private hopes that things can change.  We want to believe that resolutions work or that this time, we will keep them.

We dream of a fresh start.

Well GOOD NEWS!  I’m here to tell you that it is NEVER, never, never, ever too late.  NEVER.  Each and every one of us can make changes to make our lives better.  Even the most negative of Grinch-y people can change.  No one is exempt.  Change is possible for every. single. person.  Amen.

Of course if you SAY, “I don’t believe that.  Forget it.  It won’t happen for me” – you are absolutely right here, too.  It won’t.  Believe it or not, being positive draws good things to you.  Being negative draws negative things to you.  

Dare to believe – to have hope and keep the flame of it burning bright.  Never give up on yourself.   Never stop dreaming BIG.  If you make up your mind that you WILL make changes and you WILL enjoy your best year ever, you WILL.  You will find little things in your life that can lead to big changes.  You will find yourself looking for the positive, looking forward, and changing your own attitude and, dare I say?  Destiny.

We really do live lives full of self-fulfilling prophecies, bad or good.  And these are the ONLY lives we get here on earth.  You’d think we’d take better care of ourselves!  Quit following others and their way of doing things.  Don’t listen to those who nay-say you or your deam.  Keep away from toxic relationships!  Make choices just for yourself.  Your life is exactly what you make of it.

On that note, I am going offline for the next month.  30 big ones.  Thirty days. Thurty long daze.  It’s all the fault of Christie Glascoe Crowder who posted an article over at Type-A Parent:

http://typeaparent.com/going-off-the-grid-planning-and-surviving-a-digital-sabbatical.html

She posted the article after she went “off the grid” for a month and is creating an e-book of her experiences in a few weeks (January sometime).  I can’t wait to read it. 

Similar to her points, my thought process is to establish, for that month the following:

No blogging (posting or reading) – I tremble as you read
No engaging in social sites (Twitter) – Ditto
No surfing the web (including shopping) – full blown panic attack

All my writing, note-taking, and ideas will be done by hand with pen in my paper notebooks (thank goodness that I have a huge pile of both). 

I unsubscribed from all my digital newsletters, RSS feeds, and blogs.  I will return to the blogs (had to write down their web addresses) but I don’t need the temptation popping up every time I check my bank account or pay a bill!

As Christie pointed out,  this time period is a “full system overhaul, starting from within.”   

I have a support system in my friend Steph from over at Momma’s Soapbox.  We both began working on our Aloha lives in 2010, (her link for Aloha) (mine is HERE)  and want to build on that this coming year in more specific and powerful ways.

So do I think this is going to be a breeze?  Oh ha.  Heck no.  I have the queasy’s inside.  I actually am very nervous about unplugging myself.  But I have to do this, for me. 

I have to plug back into my life and my “self”. 

And isn’t that a wonderful way to begin a New Year?  It’s all right!  Have a good time, cause it’s all right, oh, it’s all right!!

Miss me a little bit, OK??

Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.

~ Frank Outlaw

(After post: Some people have asked to hear this song again; since I change songs each post, I offer you the You Tube live version of Francine Reed singing “Wild Women Don’t Get the Blues.”  She’s a powerful singer!)

You’ll have to pardon me here for a minute.  I have to take a little side trip back to before I met Alpha Hubby.  Part of it helps one to understand why he was so impressed with me when we met (his words, not mine).  He *said* he liked my strength.

The song you hear playing is sung by Francine Reed (with Lyle Lovett’s band).  That woman sings so strongly, you just want to jump up and yell, “Me, too!”  I’ve wanted to use this song in a post since forever!

Most of you know that I wasn’t in a relationship for the 12 years before Alpha Hubby came along and tied me down so I couldn’t get away.  He wanted to sweep me off my feet (which would have been much simpler), but no.  No, I spent time wondering where his axe was, when the other shoe was going to drop, or if he would suddenly change from the seemingly nice guy he was into some macho-chest-beating brute.

Now because I still had baggage out the wazoo, you might think I was a spineless wimp back then.  You might think I wasn’t going out because I didn’t have offers or was skeert.  You might think I was too hurt and burned out to ever date again.  You would be thinking wrong.

I was a Wild Woman. 

Oh, wait before you get the wrong idea.  I don’t mean I “ran around at night” and “drank all the Courvoisier I could find” – I was a single parent, working long hours and I didn’t drink. 

This song says a Wild Woman never gets the blues.  That a Wild Woman is strong, will tell any man to go to h-e-double hockey sticks if that man “don’t know how to act right” – wild women will be “the first ones to learn how to fly” – THEY DON’T SIT AROUND WAITING.  I decided life is just fine and I could dance by myself!

Now sure, for me there were some trust issues that had to be dealt with but MOST of them were gone by the time my baby came along.  Besides, some issues couldn’t be dealt with until I was in that situation again.  It’s like walking in love toward others.  I don’t really know if I have that down or not, until it is challenged and tested.  Let someone come along and cut me off in traffic and see how well ingrained my love walk is!  Or talk trash about my man (fist city, baby)!

I am a Wild Woman.  In those twelve years before Alpha Hubby, I spent time healing.  I learned why I was attracted to the wrong type of person.  I figured out why I allowed some man to treat me badly and then let him keep on doing that after he was gone through memories, nightmares and fear.  I cried.  I mourned. I ranted, raved, screamed, and kicked my own bootie.  I read books, prayed, forgave, and let go of the past.  

I found my Inner Wild Woman – that confident woman I used to be.

Wild Women are strong.  I learned that I am SOMEBODY and I have a right to be treated with respect, dignity, honor, and as if I am valuable and precious.  Wild Women don’t let some guy walk all over them.  There was never again going to be a “trifling husband” and I got rid of the “no good friends”!  I never got the blues again because I made a decision to enjoy my life to the fullest right where I was.

I learned that if someone didn’t respect me, they never got time in my space.  I learned the value of slapping that hand up, palm out, in their face, and saying, “STOP!”  Stop because you don’t deserve me.  Stop because I am never putting up with that again.  Stop because I am special and if you don’t treat me that way, I am flat out NOT interested in you.  Stop because if you don’t treat me right, I’m outta here.  I DON’T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH ANYONE DISRESPECTING ME ever again.

I am a Wild Woman.  I learned to respect myself.  I learned my worth.  I learned that I am OK just the way I am and I don’t HAVE to change before I’m worthy of someone’s love. 

Then one day at work, along came this guy I barely knew.  He thought I was somebody special.  He was in awe of me (boy, has THAT changed).  He was gentle, patient, and kind to the point I said to him, “I’m not sure I know what to do with a nice guy!”  I mean, really – what was the matter with him?  He was treating me right!  Too foreign for my ability to comperhend.

Of course, NOW I know he is a reformed bad boy and he is dominating, aggravating, pushy, challenging, likes to get his way, hates to be told what to do, is very confident in himself (but not conceited), gets mega cranky when he’s tired, and would walk all over me IF I let him.  He likes that I don’t let him… at least he said that to me when we were first married.  He tends to forget that now (*ahem*).  I love him wildly and strongly.

Wild women: we don’t ever worry.  Wild women never, never get the blues!  His very strength helps me be stronger.  He loves me passionately.  He loves me just the way I am.  He loves me completely.  He loves me enough that I can let go and not be strong sometimes.

Strong Men love Wild Women.  Wildly and Strongly.

Wild Women Never Get The Blues

I’ve had many questions about my relationship with Alpha Hubby.  And yes, it is true that sometimes I have to pinch myself to realize that after 17 years, four months and seven days, our relationship is even better than in the beginning.  It is more honest, spicier, richer, deeper, better, blah blah, on and on ad nauseam.  So today I am going to share a little bit of True Love Ways – what we’ve done (and do) that keeps our relationship cool enough to make people gag.

Sometimes Alpha Hubby and I have really deep conversations.  Then again, we have some pretty stupid ones, too.  I mean, really.  We quote so many Pixar animated movies to each other that you’d think we lived in one.  “Whatta ya gonna do?   He’s my best friend.”  I enjoy him.

True Love quotes funny lines from movies and works to make silly memories.

Sometimes we unwittingly allow other things to steal our time away from one another.

True Love realizes that when you have a loved one’s time, it is a gift. It is to be treasured, valued.  You quickly get things back on track.  It makes your relationship richer when you value one another.

Sometimes we face that relationships are a battlefield. We also know it is not supposed to be the two of you against one another.

True Love realizes that you must battle outside forces to keep the two of you faced outwardly, together. Against all obstacles – in-laws, children, troubles.  If this slips, True Love is quick to forgive and forget and move on.  It really is you and them against the world…

Sometimes it is important that all the focus be on the other person for a time.  Sometimes you have to set yourself on a back burner for the other person’s needs to be met.

True Love isn’t “me, me, me” and “me first.”

Sometimes one of us makes a mistake and has to say, “I’m sorry.” (It’s usually me.)

True Love accepts an apology with grace and never says, “Well, you should be.”  And True Love never keeps score.

Sometimes it may seem as if one person is constantly repeating themselves while the other doesn’t ever quite seem to get it.  Yes Babe, you know what I mean.  I love that you put the dishes up – incredible – but that putting up is often very… creative.

True Love never gives up and does keep trying to get a point across.  (Baby, do you know where the colander is?  I love that you put dishes away but I need to know where it is this time.)

Sometimes there may be times when one mate may seem “less than perfect” or “less than the dream guy/gal you married” or might even screw up somehow and show he/she is a human being.

True Love always, always expects and looks for the best in the other.  True Love cuts some slack.  True Love ignores anything it needs to and never points out a fault.  For sure, True Love is patient and knows one must face that they themselves are not -*sigh*- perfect either.  Do not focus on perceived bad points!  Truly hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.

Sometimes we have to face that we may hurt one another.  There may be tears (me) or growling (him).

True Love forces oneself to realize that the other never meant to hurt, nor is it on purpose.  True Love faces that one might be having a snit fit ’cause one got ones feelings hurt and needs get over it.

Sometimes you just can’t have a serious conversation.  Sometimes you have to roll on the floor laughing… at the same old jokes, punch lines and movie lines as if they were fresh and new.

True Love laughs together.  Deep, amazing belly laughs.  The kind that make you cry because your stomach hurts and you squawk, “Stop! Stop! Stop! My jaw aches and my stomach hurts!”  Take time to enjoy life – really enjoy it – together.  Go dance in unusual places!

Sometimes we get a bit busy and miss some… umm, shall we say, personal time?

True Love makes sure the most important focus in your life is your mate.  Above all others.  True Love quickly makes sure that personal time meter is running into overtime.  No, zip, nada, nyet, zilch, NO excuses.  Seduce one another often.

Probably, with the exception of this last point coming up, our personal burn-up-the-sheets and boil-the-water-in-the-swimming-pool time is our most important detail in keeping our marriage growing better and better.  Never, ever losing the intimacy.

Last and most importantly in and to our relationiship is that never do we forget that above all and always God is #1 in our relationship together.

True Love knows where True Love comes from.

.

True Love Ways, Buddy Holly

So, living in the idyllic country has its own set of challenges (like the ones above, outside my kitchen window).  I am pretty sure if I’d known about some of the challenges beforehand, things might have turned out differently in my life.  In fact… no.  I am not going to think in that direction since it really isn’t true.  I’d have loved him no matter who he is – cowboy or engineer.  I will just tell you my tale, my sad and haunting tale.  It will give you nightmares.

This past weekend, we participated in the “Official Opening of the Pool” for the year.  I know it has been more chilly than not, but it is fun to play around in the pool.  I love our swimming pool!

So it’s sunny, we’re swimming, playing and talking, sipping our drinks in plastic cups, lazily fighting off the flies.  The CD player is pounding out “Loretta Lynn’s Lincoln” then romantically wooing me with his new fave song, “Would You Go With Me” by Josh Turner and the water was fine!

Soon, I’m leaning up against the side of the pool, balancing and sitting on my boogie board, and just enjoying peace.  Suddenly Alpha Hubby popped up under my straw hat and stared intently into my eyes.  He said, “I really love you.”

I replied, ‘I really love you, too.”

He grinned and said, “I really lust you.”

I laughed and we kissed. 

Yep, the Official Opening of the Pool was on.  Oh, get over yourself.  We’re married.  It’s allowed.  Kid out of the house.  Life is good.  Time to play, baby.

Soon we’re both floating around on our boogie boards when I spied something over his shoulder.  I exclaimed and pointed, “What is THAT? What is it? What?”

“Where?”  he calmly looked around.

“THERE, over there,” shakily pointing because I am NOT getting any closer, “on the side of the pool, over there.  Is that a…”

I probably sounded a bit freaked.  Well, no, actually I was freaked.  It was a spider the size of a silver dollar on the edge of the pool.  Ugh.  Alpha Hubby rescues me, killing the spider, and we get back to smooching and floating.

Soon the sun has gone down and floating & kissing became more… personal.  Let’s just say, it’s not your beeswax.  Bodies float and boogie boards are good.

Suddenly…

… he reaches up, saying ‘Hold still.”  I HATE THOSE WORDS.  It’s never good news for me.  Hold still means I don’t want to know what he’s seen and I shiver when he uses those words.

He flings something away and I’m thinking, “Oh, a fly, leaf or water bug or something innocuous.”  Until I hear the plopping sound.  Not even spiders have enough weight to make that sound in the water.

Tiny voice, “What was it?” (Not that I really want to know).

I can tell he hates to tell me, but he bravely does.

“Tree frog.  Riding on your shoulder.”

“OH MY GOSH! Ewwwww.  Ugh.  I knew it had to be something I didn’t want to know about because of the noise it made hitting the water.  He’s still in here, isn’t he? You didn’t even get him out of the pool, did you?”

“Nope, I didn’t.  Sorry.”

“Oh no, no, no!  WHERE is he?  WHERE?”

“Over there somewhere,” pointing toward the side of the pool nearest to ME.  Now I am totally unfocused, except for sneaking peeks over to the side of the pool.

Then he laughs under his breath and says, “Well, this rendezvous is over, isn’t it!?”

Oh yeah, baby.  I can’t get out of that pool fast enough.  He told me later he was surprised I hadn’t crawled up his chest and jump off his shoulders to get out of the pool.  I don’t like spiders and snakes… err frogs. 

Needless to say, the Official Opening of the Pool isn’t quite completed but it will be awhile before I trust the pool in the dark again.  A long, long while.  Looooong unless you get me spotlights, shining everywhere!

And you don’t EVEN want to hear about the tiny frogs, my mom’s toilet in the middle of the night and the fact you didn’t dare get up in the middle of the night without turning the bathroom light on.  NO.  We are so NOT going there.  I’ve tried to erase those memories.  I’ve had therapy.Did I tell you living in the country has its own share of freaky deaky challenges?  Well, it does. 

… and that ain’t what it takes to love me… like I wanna be loved by you!  Now I’m not even sure the edge of the sea can get me to go with you!  Ewwwww!

Spiders and Snakes, Jim Stafford

Would You Go With Me, Josh Turner